When I was LDS one of the biggest things that worried me was that I would never do enough to win Christs love and acceptance. I was taught all of my life that we had to try as hard as we could and that God would do the rest. Well in the LDS world doing as hard as we could was a list. If you didn't meet the criteria on this list then you would fall short and not be worthy in the eyes of Jesus. It seemed like I was always falling short in one way or another no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to feel the love of Jesus because according to the LDS faith I wasn't worthy. This and some other life events has led me to have depression. I have dealt with my depression in many ways but when I made the decision to leave the church and start my own journey things started to change.
I learned that Jesus loved me unconditionally. I learned about this thing called grace, which is a free gift with no strings attached. Jesus loved me for me, despite of my weaknesses and my shortcomings. Since then I have recognized that I am a sinner and that it is Jesus ALONE that can save me and not after all I can do. I have met and now follow a very different Jesus than what I was taught in the LDS faith. Before I was born again I went to a church and heard a song by Hillsong Worship and in that song there is a lyric that goes "Who the Son sets free is free indeed...in my Fathers house, there's a place for me...I'm a child of God, yes I am! After hearing this song I knew I must repent and turn my life over to the Lord.
My life has changed in many ways since I have left which I will talk about in future blog postings. My wife will also be joining these blog posts as well to share her experience leaving the LDS faith. However what I want to speak about today has been an issue in my life that up until recently has been a problem in my life.
All throughout my childhood I was told what I should do in my life. I learned that unless you did things a certain way then you couldn't succeed in this life. You had to go to college, you had to do something big and important. Something that people would recognize you, like you. Being a blue collar worker wasn't enough, you had to be some sort of manager, This was the key to success!
Here I am over 50 years old and have been chasing that word...success. It wasn't until recently that my dear wife and I were talking and she asked me what did success mean to me. I got my associates degree and learned regardless what my grandmother and aunt told me that I didn't have to have a piece of paper that said I had a degree to make it in life. When I received my degree I had 15 years in the transit agency however I didn't feel like I was successful because of that piece of paper.
So, I got my degree. Now my life wasn't complete because I wasn't a manager for my company. By this time the people I wanted to work with in management had since retired and moved on and I really didn't like anyone else. So here I was. Stuck. What the hell am I going to do now?
So going back to the talk to with wifey. She asked me what does it take to be successful? I always thought that it was the material things that I always tried to achieve in order to be someone in life that I was told all of my life. Boy, wasn't that a crock of shit! I had to seriously think at what success really is.
So here is what I came up with. I have a family. I have a great son whom we have had very little problems with whom I am VERY proud of. Even though I am not a manager or make six figures a year or even haven't made my first million yet I have a good job which I have been with for 26 years now, I am proud to say that I am the sole person in my family to hold a career for this long. I own a home and a nice car.
So even though it wasn't the description I was told growing up, I can honestly say that I am successful!
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